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The relationship between parents and children is first mentioned in the list of the Ten Commandments given to Moses by God. It is obvious that children should honour their parents, even when they are adults. Every person, no matter his age, is called to honour his parents. It is the first commandment, accompanied by a promise: “…that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on earth” (Ephesians 6:3).
The word “honour” here means respect. We must never forget that the New Covenant is a covenant of the heart. This means that the intents of our hearts, our desires, our attitudes, etc. matter more than anything else. Jesus taught his disciples by saying, “It was said…” - meaning the Old Covenant laws and commandments - “but I say unto you…” meaning the new Covenant relationship where Jesus is more concerned about our heart than our actions. See: Matthew 5:21-22; 27-28; 33-34; 43-44;
We all know that it is possible, even as Christians, to obey the Word of God but at the same time, obey begrudgingly, with a heart full of rebellion. Judging from our actions, it appears that we are pleasing God by our obedience. However, in reality we are not, because Jesus sees the rebellion in our heart before He looks at our deeds. If we can grasp this point, we can then also understand that this is what Jesus kept trying to convey to the Pharisees. On the other hand, if a Christian does not feel convinced he should do something that he has been advised to, but in his heart he is sincere and true, then Jesus is still well pleased with him, even though to the natural eye, it would appear that he is being disobedient or rebellious because he isn’t doing what is asked of him. It follows, therefore, that a grown-up child can decide to do something against his parents’ wishes and still honour and respect his parents sincerely in his heart.
I remember when I was a young boy; obedience, respect and submission were expected every day. As I had a good relationship with my parents, I had no problem in following the rules, regulations, and restrictions they laid down because I understood that they had put them there for my own good. Naturally, I didn’t stick to them all the time. Like every child, I had my moments of disobedience and rebellion. Yet, in the midst of it all, I had great respect for my parents whom, I considered, were good examples to me. In other words, I was brought up like that and nothing has changed in my heart today, even if my parents have since died. Every child knows that, as long as he is a child, his parents have total control over his life, until he is grown-up. I use the word ‘until’, because the child is also aware that his parents will not be able to stop him from doing what he wants once he comes of age. Today, this is a known and accepted fact. But it does not mean that a grown up child should stop honouring and respecting his parents.
I lived in my parents’ home until I went to study in Australia for four years. At the end of my studies, I returned home; soon after, I married my wife Audrey. I could feel that there was something of a conflict between my parents and my future wife even before we got married; but they respected my choice, because I was no longer a child and it was my decision whom I would marry. The fact that I was not acting in accordance with the wishes or desires of my parents, in getting married to my wife, did not change the reality that I still respected them and honoured them for who they were, and for what they had invested in my life. I wasn’t yet a Christian at that point, but the moral values they had instilled in me were enough for me to honour and respect them.
In 1977, I was born again and soon after my wife followed. We left the Catholic Church and started a small congregation of believers. Both our families turned against us. They were not happy about our conversions; the fact that we left the Catholic Church caused a scandal. We were treated like lepers and accused of many awful things. The Catholic Church labelled us as being part of a “sect”. Our parents stopped visiting us anymore, but we learned to keep our hearts pure towards them, and never dishonoured or disrespected them, even though we were not in agreement with them. We understood that our conversion had triggered a spiritual conflict, and we were not ready to compromise our faith for the sake of pleasing our parents. In their eyes, and to the rest of the world, we were in rebellion; but we were sincere in our hearts, desiring to follow Jesus no matter the degree of persecution we had to face. We totally disagreed with our parents as far as our faith was concerned, but we kept on honouring them and respecting them with all our hearts.
When a child grows up and becomes an adult, he has the freedom to make his own decisions for his life, even if his parents consider the decision foolish or misguided. This is true whether he is married or single. When he is married, his parents still have the same right to speak to him and advise him, if they have a good relationship with him, but they cannot in any way insist that he follows their advice. And it works both ways. Once he becomes an adult, whether married or not, there should be respect on both sides and a readiness to accept one another’s choices, whether they please everyone or not. If anyone tries to impose his point of view on another, he is infringing on that person’s freedom.
Under the New Covenant, the freedom of a Christian is paramount. Jesus has given us the freedom to obey or to disobey the Holy Spirit. Unfortunately, many Christians opt to disobey and walk in the flesh; nevertheless, this is their decision and they have chosen freely to do so. This is a freedom that even the world gives us in most democracies, and in the laws relating to our human rights.
Once we accept the above, we can conclude that a grown-up child has the right to follow his heart concerning his faith, where he should study, the country he wants to live in, etc. Parents have no choice but to accept and respect these decisions. Let us not be confused or deceived by parents who refuse to accept the decisions their children have taken in good faith, and who attempt to defend their issues of control and manipulation using the above verse of scripture. Parents have no God-given right to demand obedience from their children who are of an age to decide for themselves, and who still honour and respect them in their hearts.
If we look around, we see thousands of young adults who are not pleasing their parents by their decisions to misbehave, drink, take drugs, live immoral lives, etc. Can you imagine if all these parents reacted by fighting with their children, and being prepared to go to any lengths in order to stop them doing what they want; what kind of world would we be living in?
We can understand the suffering and sorrow of parents who see their children in that state. What else can they do, but pray and trust the Lord to change them, because only He is able to do that?
“Children, honour your parents,” simply means that children, no matter how old they are, should honour and respect their parents in their hearts until they die, whether the parents agree or disagree with what they do. What it certainly should not be interpreted to mean is: when the child has reached the age where he is free to make his own decisions for his life, he must nonetheless submit to everything his parents want, even when he does not agree with them.
Both parents and children need to take their responsibility within the relationship, in submission to the Word of God, which is absolute.
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